Preteen in the 2000s: Writing my Dreams & Making Cards for Future Lovers
** Warning I’m a Leo; this is a self-reflection piece**
As a young lioness, my family gave me the privilege of having a 1999 Dell Desktop computer in my bedroom. It was next to my window seat positioned on a table stand one would use to eat TV dinners on top. It was not connected to wifi and I had to sit on a stool to be the proper height to work, but I folded a sheer curtain to act as a table cloth that matched my satin star bedspread and I was thrilled.
I would wake up on Arizona summer mornings, creep over to my stool, and wait for my computer to boot up so I could let my juices flow. I either had a wild dream that I could imagine as a movie with a young Leonardo playing the lead, or I woke up with a jingle in my head. There would be dreams that I would think about over and over again while looking at my Chad Michael Murray poster while trying to embed it in my memory so I would not forget it when I started typing. I always imagined that I would be an actress that also wrote songs, sometimes performed them, and definitely wrote her own character’s lines- because who knew that character better?
As a preteen, I amused myself more than other people amused me. I would think of something funny and laugh aloud. Before I could really read and write, I remember drawing pictures of what I was thinking or asking my parents to sit in an audience as I projected my new thought of the day. So it was no surprise to them that American Greeting Cards maker was my favorite CDROM to play on. Creating thoughtful poems that rhymed or let me daydream about future relationships filled my spare time.
It was not a prideful engagement, or over self-esteem. It was the opposite. At school I never felt very bright, I struggled a lot and I did not always feel like I was up to the same speed as my peers. Alone in my room, playing on Paint, Notepad, American Greeting Cards, and my audio programs…this was my creative time, this was my abilities. Only shared with myself. Saved for another time when I could build on it again or when I needed a reminder of my truth.
Looking back, it makes me feel like I was lonely at such a young age. Double digits, two highlighted strands framing my face, and the Green Day American Idiot soundtrack playing in the background. A little preteen angst, but I never thought I was lonely. I guess I was just not including others in on the whole me and it made me feel that distance from my people.
Those were the last times I was truly creative. Pure from within, genuine thoughts and ideas brought to life with what I could figure out on my own. And today, today is a cold day in November 2020 fifteen years later and I am finally allowing myself the same privilege. I am using graphic design skills I did not know I had, creating personalized stationary on Etsy, and writing a blog while in college. *Blessed*
Thank you for being a part of my treasured memories, and my reflection. I am finally able to learn from others and share with people what is burning within me thanks to wifi and personal growth. The passion is real again friends so cheers to that!